tank of nectar

delhi--> amritsar

i am now at the golden temple for my third visit. in total i have spent a week of my life living in this place, spaced out over 3 years or so. this time i was struck at my good fortune for this grace. for many people, a pilgrimage here may be the greatest event of their life. tears on an old man's face. of course many of them live here and visit everyday. but when they cross the threshold and drop down on their knees, foreheads to the beautiful marble, both are the same.

this place is like a giant organism with human beings as the blood pumping through the veins. the coordination, the massive movements (bigger than any wagner could conceive of), and all so quiet and modestly done. from the crowd control in the temple to the man handing out spoons in the darbar (community kitchen) to the leaders chanting from the guru grant sahib it is all a beautiful dance with thousands of partners.

then you go upstairs into the sikh museum and learn about all the blood that was shed to preserve this peace. from decaptitaed generals who kept fighting, garlands made out of mutilated babies being hung on their parents necks and war after war after war... peace and beauty do not always come easily, especially in human affairs. this place too has been plagued by corruption, defeat, though it seems inconceivable.

it eases my heart to be here. it has been hard for me, it still is hard for me, everything that has happened. i take refuge at the feet of the guru. for the first time i have done sewa (service) for this temple, an option i never even knew about in my former visits. i washed enough dishes to make my hands almost bleed. elbow to elbow with devotees, getting repeatedly hugged by some weird little sikh kid whose embraces covered me in soap and water. if only my mind was as easy to wash as those plates!

i am next headed back into the mystic land of kashmir to perform a yantra to vaishno devi. o how time is running short...

sometimes things are not as they seem

ujjain--> delhi (via jaipur, one night stop to have a famous lassi)

sometimes, they are exactly as they seem.

i have left ujjain, the ashram and all of the plans i was making for the next five years of my life. i am sorry, as i cannot give you the reason for this, due to a promise to a very dear friend.

suffice is to say- humans are very confusing creatures. truth seems to be such a difficult thing for us. and if this existence is maya, how can we expect anything but maya from it? if we seek truth, we must not look for it on a human level. i am not being cynical exactly... if you knew what i knew then maybe you could understand. as i cannot tell you these things, just take what i say with some seriousness.

ujjain is a wonderful place, and i hope that the malaria project has nothing but success. i am sorry to not be a part of it, but it would have been a hypocrisy for me to continue there. it would have my own selfish grasping, not wanting to give up such a good opportunity. maybe i have made a mistake, maybe i am crazy, but my heart feels good. i have had some very good lessons in the past few months.

i arrived in delhi today and felt so happy. maybe because this once loomed like a big monster city to me, and now it is familiar in some way. i love it when i get to see someone ride an escalator for the first time in their life. this happens often at the very modern metro station and usually involves a lot of shouting and chaos as the terrified individual tries to take a leap of faith onto this strange contraption. monsoon has hit here and the tunnels and sideroads are all under water.

i'm going north now- to the golden temple and then the himalayas. i need to breathe some fresh air into my soul and bathe in a few sacred rivers before they flow south and are filled with garbage and excrement.

i will be returning to canada on schedule (july 6th i think it is). i need to see the people i love. however, i will return to india soon, but this time with a plan. my heart is on fire and i need find the proper fuel to feed it with.

om namah shivaya

what i felt today

time and again, the same lesson. when will i learn it?

i will skip the particulars of this lesson because they are somewhat irrelevant. the heart of what i want to say, and maybe am starting to know, is this:

YOU DON'T NEED TO JUDGE ANYONE.

my mind often becomes confused about people's actions, and that is because it is impossible to fully know someone else's heart. i am only scratching the surface of my own. i always thought my emotions were so deep, so full, so unique. i now see them as little more than the spasms, the splashes of a drowning man on the surface of a great ocean.

there is enough poison in this world without me brewing more in my own heart. besides, how can you be angry at a symbol? a symbol is only what the mind makes it to be.

so let the constant reformulations of this existence bring what they will. real love, bhakti, is a fluid thing. it can't be kept in a jar. it needs to splash and slosh all over the place, unabashedly, wontonly, drunkenly.

sweet, golden happiness

i forgot to mention that it's mango season. suckers, all of you are big, north american suckers.

i spent a good portion of the morning making friends with the ashram's baby bull. he licked my feet and i discovered that a cow's tongue has the texture of a cat's tongue and gooiness of a dog's tongue. needless to say, the rest of him is much cuter than that!

nose to the grindstone, lotus in hand

i have started to work on the malaria project. WORK! egads. but it is good.

we went on a quick trip to rajasthan to buy marble for the hospital and temple. there's a stretch outside of udaipur where there is nothing but marble shops as far as the eye can see. i now know far more than i ever wanted to about marble. highlights of that jaunt included an amazing cactus garden, giant ponds of lotus flowers (swamiji waded in thigh deep to pick one for me), and a visit to the biggest krishna temple in india. beautiful.

ashram life. we have taken our beds outside and made make-shift frames for mosquito nets so that we can sleep outside. what a surprise (at least to me), when the first morning we woke up at 3 to thousands of people jumping into the shipra for a holy bath. they continued steadily, more and more people pouring in, until 6 in the evening. there was probably half a million pilgrims.

a few days ago i went with swamiji to renew his passport in bhopal and we ended up on an epic adventure to visit sanchi. this is where the cremated remains of buddha are supposed to lie. a timely visit, as i think the celebration of buddha's enlightenment comes soon.... we also bought some fresh lotus roots, which they cooked for us at the ashram. very tasty!

two owls live here. they are very small and cute. they sometimes visit the ashram at night.

so i am happy. life is good.