dear india, dear me

dear india,

please stop trying to kill me.

sincerely, natalie rogers



the khajuraho mantra:
om, leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone , jaya jaya hai!

the orchha ode:
o beauteous orchha, how lovely art thou!
some vultures, some ruins,the occaisional cow,
shy monkey mornings, parrots for friends,
o my dear orchha, i hope to see you again!

ok ok, enough of my foolin'. so seriously india, stop trying to kill me.

i woke up in agra in the middle of the night and began to get those o so familiar "i knew i shouldn't have eaten that cold thali" cramps. after a few hours of tiptoeing to the toilet i started another round of antibiotics, of the "if nothing else has worked yet" variety, and slept fitfully. up at five to see the taj mahal. what a surreal experience. it felt like walking in and out of a postcard. a bizarre sensation to reach out my hand and touch its surprisingly warm marble surface. i wobbled between almost crying for its beauty to wanting to slap people in the face and yell, "can't we just be quiet for once in our lives!?!?!?" i tried to leave after two hours but just as i got to the exit gate i went back and did it all again and another hour passed like nothing.

i then went to take a bus to fatehpur sikri, a nearby city which also has some famous old buildings. while waiting at the bus stand a sweet wallah adopted me and force fed me petha and peanuts. he told me in broken english about his newborn son and a lot of things i didn't understand. when my bus came he ran over to it and got me a seat and waved and waved and waved as i left.

once in fatehpur sikri i went first to the mosque, which is said to be a copy of the mosque at mecca. they were having a festival there to mark the end of ramadan and i was treated like an honoured guest. i got a free tour, free chai, offers of food, clothing, shelter, anything i wanted. people were practically fighting over me to be a guest in their homes. many people there were visiting from villages for the festival and hence weren't too familiar with foreigners. a group of old ladies tried to make me sit down with them as they inspected my scarf and clothing. they looked at me with their watery old eyes like i was the strangest most wonderful thing that they had ever seen. i had many people asking me "what part of india are you from?" ummm, not from india.... then a knowing nod of the head, "ahhhhh, pakistan".... ummm, no, actually i'm from canada....."o. are you a sufi?" ummm, no......then some hesitancy, "muslim?" ahh, sorry, no. and for a moment it looked like their hearts would break. then a certain assurance would come over their faces and i think they convinced themselves that i was in fact muslim and was just joking with them. then i got free entry to the palace there, which is normally 250 rupees, and a free tour as well. on the way back to agra, the bus ride was free. all of this because i covered my head in a mosque and was speaking a few words in urdu. nothing more.

it was one of those days in india, both for my stomach and my soul. a feeling of light emptiness and yet an overflowing of sensation that makes me feel like i will vomit. everyone told me that agra was full of assholes but i received almost nothing but kindness. in fact, it's been like that for the past week. if i drink another free chai i think that my heart may explode both from gratitude and excessive caffeine. yes, sometimes being a woman alone here sucks, such as when you buy a general class train ticket and no one will let you on the super-crowded car. but it is also a wonderful thing, because when you explain that to the ticket collector, he'll smile and let you ride in sleeper class for no extra cost. it sucks because the guys at the dhaba will try to charge you 40 rupees for rice and dhal. it's wonderful because when you start arguing with them loudly in hindi in front of all your fellow bus passengers, the guys will be so embarrassed that they give you the fair price. sometimes i love this place so much that i just want to shout or run around throwing flowers in the air or who knows what? but what about imrana? it sometimes feels wrong to love this place as much as i do. for every golden temple, there are lakhs of amritsars. for every taj mahal, there's a river of diarrhea, garbage and misery. dear india, dear me.

i'm in rajasthan and oops! it's time for the pushkar camel fair! meaning that everything is overcrowded and overpriced. i thought the fair ended in october... but, well, i can finally buy that baby camel i've been pining for. do you think they'll let me take it on the plane? maybe i'll give eben sleeping pills, dress the camel up in his clothes and try to sneak it on that way. shhhhh- don't tell eben!

inshallah

a train from gorakhpur (near nepal) to varanasi. federico woke me up in the middle of the night telling me that he couldn't breathe and was having severe chest pains. we were chugging along in the middle of nowhere surrounded by complete blackness.

we made it to varanasi and by morning federico was feeling a bit better. we went walking in the old city and, within half an hour, he was bitten by a dog. a terrifying thing, especially here where most of them are sick and rabid. we went to the hospital for a rabies shot and a chest x-ray and received the bad news that his infection had turned into pneumonia. after hassle and coughing fits, his insurance agreed to fly him to delhi where he can then fly home to italy.

the last night we spent together was diwali. we walked up the main street eating ridiculous amounts of sweets, first for diwali near the hindu shops and then for ramadan, which is ending soon, in the muslim area. we made it to the main ghat where a huge party had broken out, everyone happier than i have ever seen them in india. we then fled from firecrackers and explosions back to our guesthouse to watch fireworks from the rooftop (they lasted until 4 in the morning) and candles floating in the ganga. the smoke from the fireworks mingled with the smell of burning human flesh from the cremation ghat down below. there was a tangible sort of magic that i still don't understand but perhaps have gotten closer to in some way... a strange brew of life, death, beauty and horror blowing across the sacred waters and ancient city. it was a night to remind me why i'm here and give me the strength to keep going for one more month on my own.

on my own. federico left yesterday and it feels so strange to be alone again after 2 months together. suddenly the day feels very long. i can't go out walking at night anymore. we knew from the beginning that we'd have to go our seperate ways but i didn't expect that the time we shared would dig down so deeply into my heart. i can't really tell you what it was like but, so you know, it was a beautiful experience with a beautiful person who i hope i may one day get to see again. inshallah.

what's big and grey and looks like a rhino?

have YOOOOUUUU seen a wild rhino?

didn't think so, suckas!

cynical but hopeful

i know kerria, i know. i know that i'm jaded and cynical. i know that i'm fortunate. i know that everything i have is a ridiculous luxury unknown to most of the world's population. i know that i shouldn't complain because it's my choice to be here and for those kids it's not their choice. and yes, i could just as easily be that person. but they could just as easily be me as well. no one has any control over the circumstances that they're born into. and yes, it's probably wrong for me to have criticised that tourist so harshly. i'm sure that he was doing what he felt was the best thing to do. i try to have faith that we're all working under that principle. i know that my anger was misdirected but sometimes i get so damn sick of my own futility and the greyness of morality that i just want someone to blame.

child beggars, well... what can i say. maybe it's been too many times that i've offered them food and they refused it, demanding money intead. same for those beggar women carrying around emaciated babies. yesterday the same kid came up to me trying to sell his drawings. his asking price was 300 rupees. not 5 minutes later a girl, probably 4 years old, came up to me demanding 50 rupees. she followed me down the street grabbing my bag and arm SCREAMING for 50 rupees like i owed it to her. maybe i do? and yet, that's more than a sweeper gets for their daily wage. what kid will want to start working if they learn that they can make more begging off a tourist in 10 minutes than daddy can make in a full day of work? you know as well as i that some people purposefully cripple their children because they'll make more money begging than working. what to do?

i lost my wallet a few days ago with almost 1000 rupees inside and i couldn't get too upset because i knew that it would probably make a bigger difference to whoever found it than it did to me. and yes, i give to beggars as well, but that's only because i have no idea what else to do. i have no idea what to do. when you see the shape of the world, you desperately want to do something, ANYTHING, to help. it's compassion and it's guilt and it's something you feel in your gut but can't explain.

but that's my view as an outsider from this society and i'm not sure how relevent my opinion is on the matter. look at what i wrote earlier: "no one has any control over the circumstances that they're born into". nice thought from the canadian girl, but over here i don't think that it would fly. i can't speak so much for nepal as i've only been here a short time, but indian society, despite it's many modernisations, is really not designed in a way for people to help themselves as the western world believes you should be able to. that's the caste system for hindus, that's the cycle of rebirth for buddhists. people like to pretend that it's gone, and maybe by official documents it is, but in the streets you see it every day. everyone is exactly where they are supposed to be and get exactly what they deserve. even if i was able to, would it be any of my business to try to change that? i don't like it, but this isn't my society. yes, i believe that we should try to respect all humans (and the rest of the world as well, possibly even moreso than human beings) and i'll act according to that belief. i'll do what i can for individuals while i'm here, but i can't pretend that it's anything more than that.

does respect mean tossing some change on a blanket? maybe. maybe it depends on the spirit of the gesture. i don't know. and lack of respect goes both ways. i hate being treated like a walking atm. that little girl was not dealing with me like a human being, but as a wallet she expected to be open for her. i obviously can't blame her for that because how can she learn anything different? that's the way that tourists are seen. of course, the worst aspect of that is that those who exploit this the most are people who are fairly well off, such as shop owners. or a brahmin who gives you a "tour" of the temple, where you make a 500 rupee donation for the temple's kitchen and then he gets pissed off when you only give him a 10 rupee "tip" at the end of it all. or how about when i'm on a train in a compartment with wealthy indians flashing their mobiles, lap tops and gold jewellery and then the beggar who comes past won't stop grabbing ME and crying at ME. and usually it's because i have no change left because i've been giving to the other beggars who have already come by. i really don't like perpetuating the idea that the western tourist can just come here throwing around their money and solve all the problems that are faced here. i don't want to give up on the idea of cultural exchange, but sadly the only exchange many people are interested in is the exchange of rupees.

as for sneaking into stupas... well, they're actually not under nepali control. most of them have been managed by foreign companies for about 20 years. at least the money helps for preservation of the sights but i doubt that much goes to helping the infrastructure of the city. judging by the 750 rupees that each tourist pays at the taj mahal you'd expect agra to be a gleaming centre of well-being. haven't been there, but i've heard that that's not quite the case... as you said about the beggars, who knows where that money goes? you hope it goes for some good cause.

you hope and you hope and you hope because you have to in order to keep living in this world.

mo' momos (mo' problems?)

o yah. so by the way, i'm in nepal.

crossed over from india and promptly got stuck in a dusty border town filled with jerks and alcoholics. you couldn't even get a bloody chai after dinner, only booze. there was some ridiculous strike involving goods carrier trucks and so they decided to park their trucks across the roads, stopping all traffic wider than a cycle rickshaw and clogging the whole border. apparently this shit happens a lot now that the military isn't allowed to kill people so much. we rode cycle rickshaws up and down the blockage all day long in the blaring heat and rolling clouds of dust, trying to get anywhere but there. we even debated a 2.5 hour cycle rickshaw ride to lumbini.

the next day there was another strike, this time by the minibus drivers. we had some fun chatting with the share taxi mafia but in a last minute snap of frustration we changed our plans and ended up riding on the roof of a bus all the way to kathmandu. it was ok until it started to rain.... we got into kathmandu late at night and i blinked my eyes in wonder and horror. big signs everywhere advertising BEER AND STEAK!!!!! DANCING GIRLS! ORGANIC SALD BAR!!!! gulp. we're not in india anymore, toto.

ok. it's been a bit rough so far but kathmandu is vibrant city and has managed to help my feelings toward nepal. i originally dubbed it "bangkok north" due to its super touristy nature but i may have to retract that. the place is extremely westernised but, unlike bangkok, it's done in a very classy way. instead of people trying to sell me tie-dyed halter tops with plastic seashells hanging off of them they're trying to sell me gorgeous pashmina shawls and silver jewellery. there's a lot less of the backpacker bums and a lot more of the austrian duchess wearing high tech trekking gear.

of course the bad comes along with the pretty shiney things. i saw some tourist give a street kid 400 rupees for a drawing. i hate seeing shit like that. the tourist probably felt really happy with himself, like "o, i'm such a kind compassionate individual helping out this third world country". no dumbass, you have no idea where you are or what this part of the world is like. the kid's parents probably sit at home making those drawings while the kid wanders the street all day trying to peddle them to suckers so that daddy will have enough money to get drunk that night. i'm sorry if it sounds cynical but well, in india you can rent a baby for the day to beg with. different baby again today, hey didi?

but enough of that rant. kathmandu has got a lot of nice energy floating through its narrow streets. there's definately some sort of magic here, especially in the older parts of the city. of course we've had to sneak in to all the stupas to avoid paying 200 rupees, but still, nice. nice. stingey bastards forever!!!!