reflections on the year that has passed

i haven't felt compelled to write in a long time. it seems that things with me have been taking an inward, rather than outward motion lately. that sentiment persists but i want to write briefly about this past year.

i feel like many things have changed inside of me this year. over and over i've been disappointed, mislead and deceived. i have realised that there is no use in trusting humans, as we are by nature such fallible beings. there can be disappointment for things that i wish were different but not anger.

there is so much happening all the time. the world bears so many wonders and horrors and within each of us is a mysterious mixture of forces. we say that we trust one another, but really we mean that we think that we can predict what people will do. we see their actions and assume from these outward signs that we can know the inner causes. we thus make ourselves fools. the depths of being and consciousness are an ocean and cannot be gauged by ripples or even crashing waves upon the surface. and when we contemplate the movements of the depths we must also contemplate the moon.

i cannot expect the outer world to conform to my wishes and hence must seek change from within. this is sadhana. this is yoga. as i have seen, this journey will be difficult, perhaps never to conclude, but i have also started to feel that there is no longer any way back. it is in some ways a lonely realisation but also it just is what it is. the time is long past to cease being a beggar, looking to others for salvation, love and understanding of the self.

i know that a lot of the changes i've made in my life seem extreme and restrictive. yet, there's so much freedom, so much awareness, within these apparent restrictions. i feel more like i am engaged in a process of focus, not control. and so it goes.

and most importantly, don't pack more than you can carry on your back.